Research has revealed that if you don’t have a tattoo inflicted on your skin by the time you’re 24 years old, you’ll almost certainly never have one. My guess would be that few Olderhooders have tattoos, the idea having not spread from sailors to the general population until a few years ago.
I may thus fairly safely poke fun at the tattooed. I have ink in my veins, a safer place for it. Having a tattoo, by the way, is Biblically proscribed. One popular edition of the King James Bible reads, at Leviticus 19:28: “Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord.” It’s a loose translation, the word “tattoo” not having been adopted from the Polynesian into English in the 18th century.
Those with tattoos say they have them installed to express their individuality. That’s why everyone of a certain age has them. The best excuse I’ve come across was the young woman who said of her ‘tramp stamp’ (a decorative tattoo on the small of the back): “It’s my revenge against my parents”.
The English newspapers last week were full of stories of tattoos that went wrong. For some reason, many tattooists can’t spell, so those who visit them often emerge wearing hilarious body art such as the following examples taken from the real lives of idiots:
- “Desired tattoo: “I love David” (in Hebrew). Actually tattooed instead: “Babylon is the world’s leading dictionary and translation software”.
- Desired tattoo: “Prosperity”. Actually tattooed: “Diarrhoea”.
- Desired tattoo: “Victoria”. Actually tattooed (on David Beckham): “Vihctoria”.
- Desired tattoo: “Mysterious”. Actually tattooed (on Britney Spears): “Strange”.
Other actual tattoos (I need not tell you what they were supposed to say): Love is the stronges drug; I am a Marshian; No Regerts; Go whereever the wind takes you; You only life once; Prome Queen; and “Jenius” (tattooed on the man’s forehead).
Mike Tyson had his face tattooed, to show ‘the man’ something or other and now, reportedly, wishes he hadn’t.
And finally, the story of actor Johnny Depp, who had “Winona Forever” tattooed on his arm when he was dating the lovely actress Winona Ryder. When she dumped him, he had the tattoo changed. Not, as you might expect, to “Winona for a while”, but to the much more inspiring “Wino Forever”. Great actor; tiny brain. No jenius he.
We should be grateful to those with visible tattoos. They won’t be getting the jobs our children might apply for. Or, in most cases, any jobs at all.
I won’t comment, since he could kill me with a single blow, but I will say this about those who have themselves tattooed by the incompetent: ahahaha hahaha hahaha. And I have no regerts about expressing that.