If I had $100 billion …


You might have read that Olderhood now has more than 10,000 followers. We are rightfully proud to have touched so many people in so short a space of time. I like touching people, but that’s another story.

Passing the 10,000 gave me a great idea. If each of our 10,000 followers were to send me a cheque for $10 million, I would have $100 billion in my pocket.

Please don’t send any money, unless you can spare $10 million without any personal pain. I’ll accept nothing less. Think how interesting my columns would become then. In fact, here’s an example of what I might write if I had $100 billion.

* * *

Today, I bought the last apartment in my block. I now own all 167 of them and am having them converted into an intimate personal space, with 500 bedrooms, 750 bathrooms and a playroom roughly the size of Rhode Island. The only immediate problem I have is that I promised the first 10,000 Olderhood followers that they could come and stay with me. If they all turn up at once, it will be lucky that I bought 100 hotels nearby, to accommodate them all.

I bought a movie theatre and can see any film I like at any hour of the day or night, without other people laughing in the wrong places and noisily eating popcorn. It’s nice that 500 of our followers volunteered to be my wives. It’s nice that I was able to buy a copy of every book ever written and every CD ever recorded. It’s nice that the good people of East Borneo actually asked me to be their King. I promised I would rule wisely and make all the goods in all the shops free. That seems to have improved my popularity no end.

It’s also rather groovy that I have 3,000 security people keeping the crowds at bay. Sure, if you’re a true Olderhoodie, I can find time for you, but so many wannabes keep clogging up the streets that it can be hard to drive my 800 Ferraris into the garage at the same time.

I have a team of scientists working on a youth serum, obviously. If I could be 30 again, I might be able to find some time to spend with some of my wives. They’re all nice women, by the way. At least, I think they are. I haven’t met any of them yet.

Another team is working on solving the common cold, because I’ve had one ever since I got back from a trip to Quezon City, the world centre of Olderhooditude. It’s a wonderful place, but I had to turn down a request for the city to change its name to Qurombezon City, because that wouldn’t be respectful, would it?

Having $100 billion isn’t as easy as it sounds. What do you do after you’ve bought dozens of buildings and fast cars and cruise ships and as many hats as you like? I’m beginning to find out the downside. For one thing, you can only wear about nine hats at once, before they fall off your head. That’s no good, so I have a team of people working on my making my head bigger. Sadly, they report that it couldn’t be any bigger than it is now.

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